A word that isn’t commonly used in the mental health community (of the lay people) for bipolar disorder is ‘euthymia’.

What is it? It sounds alien.

Well, yes. It is quite alien to those with bipolar disorder. Euthymia is a part of the mood spectrum, but it is specifically when an individual is not manic or depressed; they are able to take a breather during this phase. Normally, if you’re on medication and in compliance with your medication with regular intervention with mental health professions, you could possibly experience euthymia.

The few times I experienced euthymia were some of the best days of my life. I had clarity. I could enjoy the presence of my loved ones. I can’t say that a negative thought never crossed my mind, but I was content and I was able to manage my stress in a more effective way. This was probably due to removing the impulsivity of mania and the despair of depression.

That being said, I’ve been struggling; hence, the lack of posts. I had a brief moment of euthymia, but I almost immediately fell into another mixed state.

Food is unappealing.

I sleep less.

I feel something crawling under my skin that I want to cut out.

I’m obsessed with how I look.

A common thing with bipolar is the inability to control yourself–whether it be the impulses you feel or the intense darkness. With a mixed state, it is difficult. I’m in a state of confusion and indecision most of the time. For instance, it took me 20 minutes to figure out what I would eat for lunch at home. I ended up drinking chocolate milk (which tasted disgusting and I usually love it) and then going to a Walgreen’s for something…I settled on Goldfish. I couldn’t orient myself at all, and I was walking in a haze. I ended up being a few minutes late to work after I had requested to leave 15 minutes earlier than normal.

So that’s what’s been going on. I will try to continue with the normal posts starting Monday next week. ❤

I hope to find euthymia soon.

-S

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