I have not been well. On October 27, I had a very triggering experience at the movie theater, and I have plummeted into severe depression. This has unfortunately bled into my work with the website, and I am so sorry. There have been no new posts since last Thursday and my usual Quote posts won’t be back until maybe tomorrow.
In lieu of yesterday’s and today’s quotes, I want to address the movies that have triggered us.
For me, my very first experience of being triggered by a movie wasn’t even a movie that I was actively watching. I had left my bedroom one night and had seen my mom and dad watching a scene of a movie where some antennae slid out from under somebody’s finger nail. The rest of the night, I was in bed fearing that objects would erupt from my fingers. It haunted me for nights.
This new one…has haunted me for more than a week. I’m sure many of you have seen it. The Joker movie. And I’m so ashamed because I couldn’t even get past the first 30 minutes. I don’t want to go into the details of the movie. Just know that I related too much to Arthur Fleck. So much so that I had leaned over to my husband and said these words exactly:
“This was a mistake. I can’t watch this.”
He gave me his keys and I had to run from the theater, to our car, where I broke down and had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in a while. Before then, I had reassured him in the the theater that he should stay with our friend and finish the movie. I had at that moment seemed extremely calm and showed no sign of what would happen in just a few minutes. Why worry? I’m not mad about it, and I am happy that I could let them enjoy the rest of the movie without incident. I want to emphasize that because I don’t want any hate going in his direction.
Anyway…since that afternoon, my mood has darkened, leading to panic attacks in multiple parking lots, crying spells at home, dissociating just about anywhere, and just plain ole spacing out in my chair. Everything hurts. All I want to do is stay in bed, not even to sleep but to be away from everyone. I’ve avoided phone calls because I’m worried that a crying spell will hit. And at work, I leave my classroom door closed with the lights out.
I don’t want people near me. I feel ugly and evil and damaged.
It’s amazing what one single movie, even 30 minutes of one, can do to affect you so much.
See you later. Don’t forget to snapback at stigma.